One evening last month, I was sitting on the couch when I was suddenly struck by a terminological epiphany! I realized I've never been there. Never. It doesn't even matter where there is, I've never been there. It was a staggering realization. You see, whenever I've tried to go there, in the instant I arrive, it ceases to be there, and becomes here, thereby thwarting my efforts to get there.

As you can imagine, to someone who's been a lot of places, it's quite disconcerting to discover not only is there a place I've never been, but there's a place I can never get to. I confess, I'm sorely tempted to redouble my efforts rather than admit defeat. But logic dictates it doesn't matter how hard I try - I simply cannot get there. Success is impossible.


The only reasonable choice left to me is to focus my attention on here. You see, the converse is equally true: I've always been here. And I can't leave. No matter how hard I try, I'll always be here. It's like a trap, taunting me. Given this inescapable fact, my efforts would best be spent learning to be content with here. It might even be good to find ways to improve here, instead of wasting my efforts on the unattainable there.

Interestingly, many of my friends claim I'm always there, never here. I think this is a meaningful demonstration of the importance of perspective, because from here, it certainly looks like I'm always here and never there, whereas they're almost always there and rarely here. In fact, only when they're with me are they here. The rest of the time, they're there.

The good news is, when people talk about something being "neither here nor there", I can know it's not me they're discussing (because I'm always here), and be certain that they must be discussing a hypothetical, because if it's neither here nor there, it can only be nowhere, but nowhere doesn't exist, nor can it, lest we all cease (to have a place) to exist! So just be grateful there's a place where you do exist, namely, there (because I'm here, and you're not, so you must be there). Maybe you could tell me what it's like, because I've never been there.